The Real Fight for Life.

“For death is no more than turning us over from time to eternity.”

I am Tanveer's sister. I could never forget what we went through in our family. My mother had once said “when ever someone dies he goes to God in the sky ". I am a Pilot today and when I fly and the open sky is in front of me, I never forget these words... But I know I will never find him. “My kid brother Tanveer”.

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The Truth.

A truth that is not loved but excepted by mankind since human evolved was human suffering, pain and tears. There is none on the face of this earth who is bound to be happy at all times. Each one of us know that once in a life time a person has to own the gift of pain which is often regarded as an experience. Many a hidden times have existed of pain, anguish and mental torture provided by a moment which we call life. We often try to look for question that lay so unanswered in the bed of our soul, which slowly murmurs the exact time and space we require in life to except the truth which lies in the providence of a path we tread upon. There are traitors, betrayers, the ones who hate us, the ones who love us and the ones whom we love that we come across on every sort of road we chose to drive upon. But there are some very special people whom we often forget to realize that they through all the way long become our hidden strength, who help and love us but do not show and not a sound of hurt is heard. Their love becomes the unconditional one and a gift rarely someone is lucky enough to realize. Tanveer was a child who had the ability of immense tolerance and who made an endeavour that none feel sad and unwanted in his presence. He was our strength, a hidden strength that none could equalize even if one tries to be like him.

Tanveer, since childhood was a sweet and loving child to whom no one would want to give even a bit of pain or scolding. Each one of us wanted to see our little Tanveer laughing and playing, of course everyone felt for the other children of the family the same way too, but with him it was special. It’s an unexplained beautiful feeling that he was so special and the most beloved of all. Was it due to his short life or the probable reason that he being the youngest of all was pampered the most? If we ever talk about suffering the first word that comes in our mind are the pain and the tears shed by a person who was targeted miserably by torturous anguishing techniques of life. The forbearance has its own limitations; same was with our little Tanveer who was so new to this world of pain and tears.

The Horror

Somewhere around the early October, before 11^th 2001, with the smiling face and the very buoyant attitude that Tanveer had, he was ready for school when suddenly he got pain on the two sides of his neck below the ears where the lymph nodes are located; due to which he wanted to skip the school for a day. As it is the very famous style of children to avoid school so our mother refused the idea of skipping school. But on the second thoughts, the pains in such an area were rare, more of an abnormal pain that a child who would want to skip school would complain about. This gave an alarm call to my mother acting upon which she confided into our father. It was indeed an alarming state. The first thing that struck our father’s mind was the mumps, but it was better to get the diagnosis done.

Tanveer was immediately taken to a pathologist by the name of Ms. Poonamjit Kaur who was not able to diagnose any such situation or infection that could be alarming. According to her Tanveer was perfectly alright, but this did not somehow satisfy any of the family members. Another pathologist by the name Dr. Mooju who was a renowned person in the field of pathology was approached by us. We hoped for the best and prayed that the second review would be normal enough, but call it destiny or our bad luck; hi-grade Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma T-cell type was reconfirmed, it was not the indolent one which would give us enough time to eliminate the blast cell from his body rather it was the aggressive which was a more dangerous and excessively quick in failing the body to survive longer. The rate of increase of blast cells was approximately 10% per day. The percentage of blast cells that were diagnosed in his bone marrow was up to 87% which is definitely not a small amount. We were all gathered up in one room praying that Tanveer would be totally fine but the broken voice of our father on the phone confirmed that it was not okay and the things were in really bad shape. Wouldn’t you like to know his age? It was a young and tender age, 11years old our little boy was when he got to enter this new world which was full of tyrants and others which we still might not be well aware of, the tyrants who just showed there ugly face to Tanveer through his life till the last date. May be they are as elusive today as they were then.

Action had to be taken fast as there was no time for Tanveer due to the illness’s aggressiveness. So, he was taken to APC, PGIMR (Advanced Pedratic Centre, Post Graduate Institute of Medical sciences and Research) Chandigarh where Dr. Marwaha took charge of his treatment and to set the protocol of his treatment, he got chemotherapy and radio therapy. The radio therapy was given for eliminating the mild infection he had in his CNS i.e. Central Nervous System. We were hoping that Tanveer would cure in this very hospital as it was well known for its Pedratic centre. We got Tanveer admitted in this hospital. His cloths, blanket and a bit of books and games were taken there for him to feel comfortable as home. Our mother would stay there at night and grandmother in the day hours. It was still difficult for Tanveer to be alone as he needed his brothers and sisters too, so daily after school we used to reach home, sterile ourselves and head for the hospital. Tanveer really found it comfortable as his brother and sisters and the other members of the family were visiting him quit often by then. We were getting a good amount of relief and hope from the doctors that Tanveer was now becoming alright. The prognosis in the first year was very good and even the doctors were happy with the result. But soon after a year Dr. Marwaha refused to treat him as he relapsed again which was a sore end to our happy moment and a big jolt to our hope. Would you like to know the exact words of the doctor? By putting yourself on the very place of our father who was listening to the doctor’s practical but harsh advice, you would definitely not believe your own ears. He said, “For the grade of his illness no such treatment is available in India as we follow the British protocol so take him back home and give him a happy life and let him eat whatever he wants and let him live the way he wants so that his life is prolonged a bit as there is nothing that we can do now.”It was not wrong of a doctor to say that but it was agonizing for a father to hear it for his child whom he brought up with immense love and affection. He came and told us the next step that doctor suggested us, but none of us could afford to take up such an advice.

Destiny

The cataclysm of our destiny crashed our hope that we had for Tanveer, which was harsh and painful as we never even could think of a time that we would eventually lose him in the race of time. Our father decided to let him have some more shots of chemotherapy with Dr. Behgal who was good in his field of Oncology and medicine. Tanveer had to be admitted to Cheema hospital, where he had to go through a protocol of strong chemotherapy. He was in the hospital for six weeks. The chemotherapy that was given to him had some side effects on his health too. He was suffering from serious vomiting losing his health which was deteriorating very fast. As recalled by our grandmother (paternal) he used to get such, severe convulsions that nurses and our grandmother had to hold his hands and legs. Due to these convulsions he even suffered from blood shot eyes which made all of us cry even looking in his eyes deep inside which said that he wanted to be free of all the pain he was suffering.

The aftermath of being in the hospital was so excruciating that Tanveer was finally depressed and it was perceived by him that he would never become as healthy as before. So, eventually our father brought him back home. But due to condition at home which were not hygienically appropriate for Tanveer, as we were having permanent carpet on the first floor and pets in the house, this became the basic and the first and the foremost reason to shift Tanveer to our grandparent’s house. He stayed at our grandparent’s house for about six months after the discharge from the hospital. Tanveer soon after six months of treatment again came out of the state of being called a sick boy and he was again under remission but this did not last for long as he relapsed again. Life was torturous with him and it seemed as if life had enmities towards his happiness.

The pain that was given by a thought of losing a beloved child was most feared by all in the family. We all decided to get Tanveer an Ayurvedic treatment which was carried out by Dr. Gulati for three months but this didn’t seem to have an effect over the blast cells as he again relapsed after three months. It is so shocking that even a renowned Ayurvedic doctor can be so unprofessional about someone’s life. He prescribed medicines that were in the range of thousands, but the effect was equal to medicine at all. It is not that I might be writing against someone, but as a matter of fact even you would feel the same if you would be walking here in our shoes.

The pace of time was increasing its speed and the path we were following was becoming narrower by the passing moments as Tanveer was fighting with this ugly auto immune disease that was growing in his body. Tanveer went through another shot of chemotherapy, but this too did not seem to have any effect over Tanveer’s lymphoma. How eligiacally life was smiling to Tanveer. It was then decided that Tanveer should be taken to the US, for a better treatment. The doctors here in India said that it would be possible to save Tanveer as they might have better protocols for Tanveer. It gave birth to a new hope inside our hearts. The only thing we prayed day and night was that our almighty must keep this innocent little child away from such a life that was fond of making his moments greyer as the time passed, and a life in which the good health was mocking on his illness. Our questions which were all laid in front of us unanswered were playing the trick of hide and seek, if at a moment we thought we knew the answer, the other moment the same answer would transform itself ruthlessly into an unanswered form.

Tanveer was accompanied with our father to San Francisco, USA. They stepped in the US with a new ray of hope as it was presumed by us all that the protocol the Americans follow would suit Tanveer more. In the US Tanveer was given various vitamins, minerals and essential metals. The main motive behind this was building Tanveer’s body which was in a very bad condition. Many exercises and swimming was suggested by the doctors there. His body started building a bit, but not as expected, the aftermath of excess of chemotherapy was showing its true effect on Tanveer’s health. Meanwhile Tanveer was going through a nourishment plan; our father came to know of a good homeopathic doctor by the name of Dr. Issels. Tanveer started making frequent visits to Dr. Issels for his treatment. Tanveer went through many tests which were not even in knowledge of our father. 15,000$ were spent over Tanveer’s treatment, but what ultimately our father found was a treatment full of false claims. It was obvious that this treatment had to be dropped.

Once late in the night Tanveer was suffering from an acute pain in the left shoulder. In a state of tension and fear, our father called 911 for help. As they reached they asked him to give Tanveer a pain killer Tablets and an ointment which was called icy-hot which was supposed to be massaged over Tanveer’s left shoulder. As the pain killer and the ointment started effecting Tanveer’s pain and he comfortably fell in to deep sleep. Next morning Tanveer again suffered the same pain in the same area, he was taken for an x-ray where a peculiar thing was noticed which was both astonishing and painful.

The left lung was hardly to be seen. Tanveer was suffering from pleural effusion, which was the main reason for his acute pain. Pleural effusion is when the lymph nodes are swollen due to infection. Tanveer was immediately taken to the City Centre Hospital, Arizona from where he was shifted to Phoenix Children Hospital. Tanveer was admitted there, and his stay was of four weeks. A child who just stepped in this world had to see the life in hospitals and walking with the centreline in his neck which was inserted in his Jugular vein all the way long till the last breath of his life. Our father who had to see his child suffer so much had to keep his strength alive to keep his little son going. He spent on month on the chair which was beside Tanveer’s bed in the hospital. He spent sleepless nights just to ensure that his son sleeps well without any obstruction. Tanveer was finally discharged after four weeks. After two weeks Tanveer was called again for certain tests as to see how much Tanveer had progressed, but he did not, he still had blasts in bone marrow. The medicines which were given to him did not affect him even a bit. The doctors refused to treat Tanveer any longer as Tanveer’s blast cells had again started growing; it reached from 30% to 37%.

A Final Try

Life was torturing the little heart as a dagger that never wanted to stop until it troubled the last drop of his blood. Life was not in an ascending order for little Tanveer it was rather descending for him each time he hoped he will be alright soon, it was playing its best diabolically. They made their way back to San Francisco and booked a ticket to India which was to take off the next afternoon which was to depart at 14:00. Just then our father found out about a doctor in New York who was carrying out a research on the same problem as that Tanveer was suffering from.

He could have been a great help to Tanveer but by that time what our father had in his pocket was 120$ which would not be enough to reach New York or even stay there. Just then he realized that he had a friend who lived in New York for whom he had done so much, he gave Mr. Bittu a call and told him how things were going. Mr. Bittu offered him some help. He said that he would send the air tickets to them to New York by next day early morning and that they could come and stay with them. As Tanveer and our father waited the next morning, the tickets did not reach, That morning they made number of calls to him many times he did not answer the calls but whenever he answered he said “I am arranging for the tickets” and will get back soon. But the time was fast passing by and realizing this, dad gave him a final call, It was 11.30 am by now and the flight back to India was at 2.pm which they were deciding to skip if Tickets come. But Mr. Bittu at last said that he did not have money and that he couldn’t help them, it was sad to say this at the final moments If only he had said it yesterday maybe something could have been done for tickets. Our father realized that, when a person laughs, the world laughs with him, but when the same person cries, he cries alone. Ditched by a friend and betrayed by life, both made their way back home to India.

The fight for life

Nobody wanted to give up on Tanveer. It is but obvious that no one would want to lose a family member whom they love so much. Even if our hopes were smashed and lives colourless, we couldn’t give up trying, our father came up with a new and a much powerful treatment which would definitely cure Tanveer. The hope even if it was hopeless was so grasping that one could not leave the path of hope.

By the time Tanveer had his last days in the US he was suffering from facial palsy, a mournful paralysis. This ugly thing that Tanveer had to face was the result of the side effect of strong chemotherapy which later when he came to India took over the whole facial muscles of his. He could not close his eyes due to which he had to use the eye drops which would artificially wet his eyes; he couldn’t smile and laugh or even talk properly. It was tough for him to eat food which was in the solid form, so, the food had to be grinded and a paste had to be prepared. He was only able to have soups and pastes. Some more side effects of this treatment were, Tanveer lost a lot of weight i.e. from 50kg he reduced to 30kg because of excess of vomiting due to the digestive system which had become highly acidic in nature due to the medicines, as a result the muscles in his body were finishing at a very high speed; platelets which are required for clotting the blood when it bleeds out of a wound had fallen rapidly, it was feared that the centreline might make into such a place from where the blood could bleed unstoppably, so Tanveer had to be injected with butropase which would not allow the bleeding to occur; His spleen was enlarged which was a part of immune system; haemoglobin also had fallen drastically as low as 3-3.5% for which blood transfusion was a vital thing. Tanveer’s whole body was drained out of enthusiasm which he usually had, and he had become quite sceptical to accept that he would ever be healthy again.

A situation that I remember which is more of an unforgettable day was, when Tanveer was being taken for his regular weekly checkups to Dr. Devgun; he started getting mild convulsions and his body temperature dropped and his skin was cold and slowly becoming blue, he couldn’t breathe properly and he started losing his consciousness and he could hardly speak. Our father speed the car and what ultimately we found that Tanveer’s haemoglobin had fallen very low. If that day we wouldn’t have arranged for blood transfusion in Mukut Hospital, it would have been fatal for Tanveer. It was so agonizing to see Tanveer in such a state. Tanveer was barely alive, and this day runs the shiver down our backs. In such a young age Tanveer had to suffer like a slave to this tyranny of life. It kept on eating Tanveer’s happiness and health like a hungry animal and we couldn’t help but try. But in spite of all that he suffered his height was not affected, he was 5feet and 4inches by the age of 13 years. He would have grown tall, handsome and an intelligent boy. But life wasn’t that helpful to Tanveer.

Our father started a new treatment for Tanveer. We were all sure that this would affect the blasts now, as our father now was working on it himself and we have never lost faith in him in whatever he did because when he would work, he made things happen. The Dendritic cell treatment and the blood irradiation were the protocol for Tanveer now. He would not have to face the horrible chemotherapy or the discouraging advices of the doctors. Now he was going to be taken care by his own family, which would make him relax and feel better. He finally got what he wanted, total care only by his family members.

Dendritic cell treatment mainly targeted the increase of immunity; it fought the blast cells and destroyed them within the body. Tanveer went through a Blood Aphaeresis machine and the lymphocytes were collected. The T and B lymphocytes were then depleted and were collected thus, new type of cells were formed which were the Dendritic cells and were then further activated against the blast cells, which is called the Transformed Cell Re-effusion Therapy (TCRT), this terminology is our father’s which is nowhere else in this world. The Dendritic cells were grown in-vitro and infused in Tanveer. Tanveer was then given neupogen which was injected in Tanveer’s body in different directions in one go. It was to enhance the growth of the stem cells, hence, boosting the growth factor. This in return would help the Dendritic cells to grow and colonize also it was a help for TLC which is essential for immunity to grow. As they would grow they would start destroying the blast cells consequently. This was the dendritic cell treatment. Whereas the blood irradiation was to increase the platelets count to stop the blood from bleeding. From 20,000 it would reach up to 100,000-150,000 within two days.

When the treatment was started Tanveer had 38% blast cells which were on the verge of increasing very rapidly, even faster than before, but the treatment did not let the blast cells arise, it suppressed them and eventually destroyed them. Tanveer’s centreline was side by side well maintained by giving hap-lock in which heparin was injected in the centreline. Tanveer was given Vitamin C I.V. fluids, supplements in the form of capsules and tablets. This was to build Tanveer’s health and his immunity. When this did not affect much, Tanveer was given H2O2 I.v in order to hyper-oxygenate his body and slow down the activity of the blast cells. But it became more of an aberrant situation as the blast cells’ quality of being active was becoming hyper instead of being less active. So, taking the consequences in consideration the H2O2 I.V.s was stopped right away. The only treatment that was playing a major role in eliminating the blasts was the Dendritic cell treatment, which brought down the blast cells to an amazing level and did not let them grow, the destroyed blast cells were destroyed for all the more to come. Tanveer was finally becoming alright. No treatment could beat the dendritic cell treatment as Tanveer’s own body was made to fight the disease which was getting the boost from his very own body. The only thing that was not in control was the pleural effusion that Tanveer was suffering from. As mentioned before this effusion was due to an infection which was producing watery fluid in his pleural cavity. This fluid created problem for Tanveer in breathing. The effusion had reached such a high level that Tanveer could not lay down and sleep. If he ever would try to lie on the bed the fluid would come up and not let him breath. Tanveer spent sleepless nights just to get himself breathing properly. But for how long could he live like this, there had to be a way out of this problem. In order to get rid of the curse like problem, Tanveer’s chest was punctured and a 6 mm tube was inserted which was attached to a bag which was filled by at least ½ litre of fluid in it every day. The fluid had blast cells in it. The pleural effusion was malignant; it was full of blast cells that were being produced within the effusion. The blast cells in it were definitely controlled but not the production of fluid from the effusion.

The End

At this time Tanveer needed a lot of care, love and affection. He was going through a terrible phase of life. He needed a lot of understanding from his peers, parents and rest of the siblings in the family. Tanveer knew of what he was facings. We could lie to him but, the reports would not budge a bit from breaking his heart. He would ask the doctors and our father of what he was suffering with. His life had a catastrophic gait towards him and an aberrant behaviour towards us, as one moment it would showed us hope and light but the very next moment it would show us the dark side of his life which was killing his happiness and ours too.

He was a strong soul and a boy, who never gave up on anything, but his body was not as strong as his soul and as his will power was; it gave up on Tanveer. During chemotherapy due to improper care while injecting vine-cristine (a chemotherapy drug) in his left arm, it leaked and it formed apses on the very point which troubled him with its pain and hole which was formed due to excess of puss inside it, it troubled him for at least five weeks. The same thing happened on his left foot due to the same reason. Just a little boy who wanted to live a good life did not actually get life the way he wanted. The pricks that he endured on his body almost everywhere which would make a simple human give up on his/her life. The doctors often couldn’t’ find his veins as he had gained a lot of weight due to the steroids and the swelling due to the injections, they most of the time had to make several pricks to find the vein. The injecting of the needles again and again over the same area at a time and that too of a child, who was, merely 12 years, was so painful to see. It stabs our hearts when we see, what the pain would be that the little child suffered, the encroaching and the tiresome pain that was pursuing his body’s power away. Not being able to move in a proper way, not being able to talk properly and also knowing what problem he had slowly strangled his interest in happiness as a result he was depressed. The depression was his big enemy, but what the child was suffering was immense in front of what we were consoling him with.

Now it was December 8^th 2003, two months from the completion of three years of suffering. By now Tanveer’s blast cells in his body were only 8% but the effusion had increased terribly and no matter how we tried to exterminate it from his body, it just grew double. I was in the school, by the time I reached home Tanveer was almost gasping for breath. Our father who knew of Tanveer’s breathing problem had gone to get Nebulizer which was used to dilate the bronchus and the bronchioles which could make the breathing for Tanveer an easier thing. Breathing by now for Tanveer was no more a function of the body but it had become a task which he had to carry out as long he would live. Tanveer wanted to use the washroom but today he couldn’t carry his IV stand which he often used to carry with him while in the house.

As the time passed it was becoming even more difficult for Tanveer to breath. He called our mother, grandma and told them that he was not able to breathe and felt a bit dizzy. The situation seemed very serious. Our mother called me while I sat to have food and asked me to call our father and tell him that Tanveer’s state was worsening by every minute. By the time I called our father Tanveer was fighting for his breath and with a heavy and mild sound Tanveer said, “Didi (sister)…I cannot breathe, mumiji (grandma)…I cannot breathe.” It seemed as if the little boy was asking me for help, a help that would release him from such a pain and suffocation. Tanveer’s eyes were closing and he was trying hard to keep them open to see all of us. But the moment was so panicky and agonizing that none of us could restrain from crying and trying to make Tanveer talk. Again and again the little boy who was trying to hold my hand was trying hard to catch even a single breath. Tanveer’s body was giving up slowly and soon his breath vanished into thin air.

We were trembling with fear of losing Tanveer. Soon one of the staff members from the office had arrived with the car, we picked Tanveer up and brought him down; we tried mouth to mouth artificial respiration and when that did not work we hurried him to the hospital. After reaching the hospital Tanveer was put on a stretcher and taken inside the emergency room. Every family member had gathered in the hospital for Tanveer. Mean while our father who had gone to get the Nebuliser had reached the hospital. The doctors allowed him inside the emergency ward.

The people around us were consoling us that the little one would be alright and that we must have faith on God who will only do well to him and us. Till the point of time we reached the hospital everything seemed to happen so fast but in the hospital, things were getting slower and agonizing. Each moment was filled with fear and unwanted thoughts and feelings. Half an hour had passed, no hope giving techniques or the consoling methods were working by now. Our father who came out of the ward told us that it was all over, but the heart was no to ready to accept the bitter truth. It was not possible to see the condition of our father and mother who had brought Tanveer up with love, affection and with big dreams in their eyes, as if Tanveer was a bud of flower once growing in their hands but now the same bud was dying out.

We hoped that we’ll be able to see Tanveer breathing even if not in a conscious state. We did not know what our destiny had chosen for us. People around us were consoling us, talking and looking at us with their eyes being curious and full of pity, but nothing was audible or perceivable at that horrible moment. The door of the emergency ward opened and Tanveer lying lifeless and motionless on the stretcher, the doctors said that he was no more. A knot of pain knotted the heart so tight that no breath or a word escaped, what escaped was a yell that called out to Tanveer. But he did not respond. Our little boy was no more. It seemed as if the cry would stop the hearts from beating and the cries would make our eyes blind. We felt that we would die right at that moment. With a shattered heart and a broken soul we took Tanveer back home. As if the blood leaked and spilled out of our hearts that made us feel as we had broken into pieces which were scattered on the ground and Tanveer was no more there to pick us up and gather us in his warm arms. All the relatives were informed of Tanveer’s demise. It was so hard to let Tanveer go. He died of pain, not the disease he had. What flashed in front of our eyes was Tanveer himself? Yes, it was him and the memories of the time he spent with us. Tanveer had to be cremated the next day in the morning according to the rituals.

The night was long and painful while Tanveer’s body lay in the main hall covered with white cloth as if he was not gone but was in a deep sleep. So peaceful and tensionless; as if he never had even a single problem; in spite of all the cries and sound of sadness and bloody tears, he seemed so undisturbed. Calm and as gentle as he had always been; the depth of his stability on face managed to take my heart where he had gone at present where I found that he had no problem there and he was living a blissful eternity. Back on materials; every hour was teasing us. There was no hope and desire in our hearts to live anymore, but the destiny wanted Tanveer to live. Tanveer wanted to live too, and today he lives in our hearts and in the deepest and most prominent part of us, our soul. Tanveer visits us quite often in our dreams and thoughts and usually talks to us for hours together. He loved us and shows his love even now as his love was not bound till the walls of this world, but it was far beyond that. One thing that Tanveer couldn’t teach us when he lived was that love had much more buried in itself than we had knowledge about. Today we lose ourselves in the practicalities of life, our mundane behaviour and materialistic logics, but his love brought us back to whatever we were and what we had to be. The divine being that exists inside us all, was revealed by Tanveer’s love. Probably his life was for us all and his soul for our souls…

The Two Realities

“It is in loving, not in being loved, the heart finds its quest; it is in giving, not in getting, our lives are blessed ..."

Few know what time is, a minute or an hour? I’d rather call the thoughts of some just ‘mea culpa’. Most try to abscond from the reality of life and eternity, but once have to arrest themselves to it. The trinity of God, your soul and wisdom itself is so vast that one could give it the title of ‘The universe’ or ‘The Great Medallion of Truth’ right inside your fist sized heart beating inside your very body. The sharp, slow and the bulky turns in life teach us the most confusing truths which are so undauntedly holy. They are though very traumatizing to the extent of mental torture but are a kind of reminder for souls which do not realize the disorder existing which is called the material world. Sometimes when life is depressing we forget that we are prey to our own advertisements of sorrow and mundane road we chose to drive upon visualizing nothing but a cobweb we are stuck in vulnerable to the attack of depression when not understanding life. The materials are so similar to the rouge on a beautiful lady’s cheeks, it stays until washed off. Same is the life rouged by perfect materials but washed away with reality. We all are very well aware of the infamous ‘momento moris’, the death truth of life. But do not forget the eternity of soul, God and love…the true trinity. It is all when in life you know how good and bad times can be, one moment of happiness and the other of sorrow and anguish, as time passes you have found the two exact truths which are the birth and the death, you know that none of these two truths can be convicted no matter how much the truth is enjoyed or feared. Birth is obvious and death is eventually acted upon by nature, but above all this is love that breeds inside every soul which is even unaware of it.

Have you ever thought what could be ones greatest wealth or what could one value more than anything else? What could it be that no one can afford to lose no matter how big a person’s bank balance is? Most of us do not realize the open answer to these questions, but the consciousness which speaks somewhere deep beneath our human voice knows of the very feeling which is talked about here. Our greatest wealth in this universe of materials and worldly things would be the people we love and the ones whom we are loved by. One of the sacred moments to rejoice and preach would be when our tears are wiped and kissed away by our loved one. They say, “In the twilight of life, God will not judge us on our earthly possessions and human successes, but how well we have loved…” Yes, it is but very true. How could it be that our worldly successions are more valuable than our loved ones? Yet we are oblivious of our feelings that how much we love and care for a person until we have loved them and lost. Sometimes the bitterest lessons in life cannot be taught by books and teachers; they can’t be read or explained but felt. A very common example which is pain, either it is your own or your loved one’s. After all pain is pain. The mystical play of words full of emotions could only be understood by a person who knows how to embrace the warmth of the tear and experience it away. “To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all,” the truest fact.

In the vicinity of heart lies the very ocean of our divine being that knows exactly the shore we have to stand upon and wait for the right ship we have to sail upon. The innocence of the soul’s mystical play is not the fact that most could understand. The soul however knows that the body which it is carried by will not live for long as it will perish as time passes. We all know this truth and even its power and eternity, but do fail to stop our hearts from the bondage of the physical sensation of touch and its effect over the loved ones, the attachment that prevails in each of our hearts for our loved is not easily forgotten. The depth of the eyes; the words of the silence and the sound of unbreakable bond of love; which are all the words of god and his prowess have their meaning unseen by us.

The relation of breath and the heart beat is so incomplete when one is absent exactly the way life is joyless and undone without a loved one; bad things are so easily forgotten in the nick of time and the up coming troubles so easily defied when a loved one holds the hand as an assured signal to be on our side for all the more to come; the eminence of the love showered by them is special in its own elegance. “To share what is difficult, to heel what is hurting, to think what is impossible, to understand without talking, is the miracle called love…”It is so inconceivably unworthy of being deprived of a loved one and ones’ love. “A sister no sister without brothers and sisters, and a brother no brother without sisters and brothers…”If you could once hug these wordsand set yourself on a journey of my little brother’s life by reading and finding the feelings, happy moments, experiences and tears that have disguised themselves as words, you could possibly find yourself on a new base of understanding of what even a child so small could experience…

Brother Forevermore

“Bare is brotherless back…”

The Amazing one

I am Tanveer’s elder sister Tina, in my opinion one of the most pure relations is of brother and sister. The love that exists in this bond is so innocent which remains for eternity. No matter how old we become we never lose that special feeling for each other in this special bond. Growing up together, sharing so much, the fights and the sweet apologies, the feeling of being incomplete without each other, the care and love both feel, and so much in common means a lot to both brother and sister. Sometimes what parents are unable to teach the children is learnt in between themselves by both brother and sister, for example a brother could never see his sister when people hurt her, I remember a quote suiting what exactly a brother is for a sister when someone tries to hurt her, “A thorn defends the rose harming only those who try to steel the blossom…” I learnt a lot from my brother but, what he couldn’t teach me when he was alive, he taught me when he left this worldly existence and became an immortal in our hearts.I knew thatI loved my brother, what I did not know was how much and how I would be so incomplete without him. He taught me to believe in love that does not exist till the walls of this material world rather it is much more beyond what we often think and know. A famous saying, “Your faith is what you believe, not what you know.” Today when I close my eyes, I see my brother’s smiling face and realize how special my relation with him is even now. His face makes me realize that his soul still exists inside me, now that he has become a part of my consciousness. At every step in my life I hear his sweet voice deep inside my eternal being. I never knew that I had the courage to love my brother far beyond the existence of this world. He just left his body but he didn’t leave me and each one who misses him knows that we have the ability to hear and even feel his warm hugs. He lives inside our hearts and always will because that is the permanent home of the ones we love. Isn’t that true?

I remember the day he was born, though he was only three years younger to me, the day still exists in my memory. Those little hands and legs, small pink lips and so innocently beautiful eyes, excited me when I saw him lying on the bed moving his hands slowly and trying to open his eyes in the light. He was so delicate that I feared to even touch him thinking I would hurt him, I knew that he was born to be loved, and each one who saw him could judge that he would be everyone’s beloved child. He had always maintained his innocent and delicate behavior. I fail to understand how. One young gentleman I ever knew. I cherish that day when I became a sister, 21 September 1990, the day of the new beginning in my life.

My Role Model

We all used to call him Tanu. He had always played an important role in my life and still does. Instead of being younger to me, I got to learn a lot of things from the little fellow. I always appreciated the way how he would manage to control his anger buoyantly most of the time, but if angry; it would result in fights and end up in tears and apology. The ways of his majestically loving nature nurtured his delicate yet tough personality at every step in his life. As he grew he was slowly and gradually becoming my strength, a strength none could defy. Though he was subtly hard physically but people could hurt his heart quite easily and he would always come to me with tears and expectations in his eyes that his sister would understand him and advice him. We shared a strong telepathy, a result of strong, unbreakable bond of love, which alarmed us when one of us was in problem. We knew our deepest secrets, like an open diary. He would share his feelings in themost feminine way and would advice me asif the big tough brother of mine.Amazingly his advices were never wrong and always worked. He would lend me his shoulder to cry and dance with me to the tune till we dropped. I remember how he used to rest his head on my lapse to sleep then he would suddenly wake up asking me not to ever leave him alone. He could never see anyone hurt me; just like most of the brothers he was really possessive about his elder sister. We fought a lot sometimes even wrestled to the extent of crying. No one could ever calm us down as none knew of our hassles; it was a secret until now. He fulfilled all his duties as a brother, he shared problems, protected me, loved me, respected me and much more. We were the best of friends, we fought like friends, talked and argued like friends and even played like friends.

The bouyant Soul

He loved PC games, and he often played them non-stop. I remember exactly the games Tanveer most of the time chose to play which was The Claw, all the levels of War-craft and Star-craft, Max TT Super bike, Midtown Madness, Little fighter, Grand Turismo, Spyro The Dragon. Well there were endless of them he liked to play. Not only the computer games but also the play station games. If ever Tanveer got a chance to play the PS1 and PS2 games he would not leave his throne until our mother would scold him. But he never minded the scolding he used toget for not listening to our mother as he knew it was for his own good, so he always loved it that way. The out door games we used to play were more of a hilarious sessions of the day. The best part was when we used to break out laughing on each other’s stupid hopeless efforts for useless stunts having people staring all the way along there own game. The ambience was totally different when he stepped in the arena of sports; he made it more humorous rather than a serious play of scores.

We all enjoyed playing with our little Tanu and now when he is gone there is no play and no humor. When we step in the ground out to play we are so desperate to hear his innocent and enchanting voice that is now no more into existence. The ground is left barren without him even in the spring when time is on its beautiful turn, the fire which was warm once has now extinguished and the colors so bright are now so dull.

The musician

We often used make music together and would sit for hours together thinking which type of tune would suit our music. Usually he used to start the music and I was the one finishing it up, I still have some of his music tracks in store. Once he even recorded a birthday song that would not at all rhyme but, the emotions were eminently overwhelming. He gave me the track and asked me to listen to it when I was alone as he felt shy, with his little hands he handed over the track to me with a kiss; I started crying when I listened to it for the first time. He was peeping from the door, but when he saw that it had made me cry, he popped in and said that he would not make such a track if it hurt me so badly, but I gave him a hug and thanked him for giving me such a sweet memory which left a big mark on my heart. Even now that track makes mecry, he was just five years and the little heart had so much to say…

The Elder Brother

He loved his youngest sister Tannia very much. If today when we ask her, “Tannia do you remember your elder brother Tanu?” She says, “I do, he loved me very much, but he is now with God, he used to play a lot with me, but now he does not. He keeps on looking at me from somewhere but I don’t know from where but I know he is smiling to me.” Her angelic answer becomes a heavy thing for me to sustain, so it always flows out in tears, though I know that her answer is not meant for hurting me or any one, but as everyone knows feelings can not be hidden for long enough. He used to carry her on his back like a horse, jump around with her. But it was the time when he was strong, later it was only in her dreams that her elder brother would once again play with her the same way forever more. When he was in Arizona, US getting treated for his illness, he was quite puzzled on what he must by as a gift for his little angel Tannia on a traditional occasion ‘Rakhi’. Along with our father he walked for hours and kilometers together in the area of big shopping malls just to find a meaning full toy for her. Of course, he would gift it himself. He bought her a beautiful looking telephone which had numbers and poems recorded in it. It was really meaning full, enjoyment, play and education. After all a brother who loved her, could think that way. A thing that is not just to write, or to be surprised at and discuss it, but a point to note that love is stronger and often crosses the limit of physical and mental endurances. He was awfully week at that point of time which would definitely force him to rest, but he did not…

He was one strong soul that I know ever existed and still exists on the face of this earth; in our hearts. Neither it is a mystery, nor it is a mystique moment that forces one to think of the extraordinary power the Tanveer had to choose between a toy and his bed rest. It was love that made him do this. Even now the toy lies safe and sound with us that he bought all the way long from the US to his little beloved sister Tannia. It is not a toy, but his love that he showered on his angel, and she will always be.

The thing that was once cherished but now when it is remembered it is cried over is his immense love for Tannia. Even when he was back from the US he wanted to spend most of the time with Tannia. It seemed as if Tanveer had some spiritual bonding with her that wouldn’t allow him to stay away from her. The time when Tanveer had facial palsy he wanted our mother to click at least on of his photo with his little sister Tannia. When his wish was fulfilled he broke emotionally as somewhere he knew he would not live long enough to see his Tannia grow.

Our little Brother

Ruchi, our sister who is one year younger to me and two years elder to Tanu; matched Tanu’s attitude and the way of presenting themselves. Most of the time it was me and Ranbeer together as the naughty ones where as Ruchi, Rahul and Tanu were regarded as the sober and delicate children as both had common interests and likings. As Ruchi recalls the day when she, our uncle, aunty and Ranbeer shifted to Chandigarh from Baroda, Tanveer was more of an introvert who use to not talk much but share his toys with her. Ruchi was always surprised by Tanveer’s sweet but weird behaviour but she still enjoyed his stately and majestic moves. Tanveer used to speak pure Punjabi. Everyone use to love the way he spoke. She misses their laugh sessions and the fun and frolic moods they both often had. As with Ruchi Tanveer never fought but with the others it was a bitter stuff. She remembers the day Tanveer was diagnosed with this terrible sickness that would not only give pain to him but also us. She wished that may the report be faulty but unfortunately it wasn’t the way in fact all of us wanted it to be. Ruchi enjoyed being with Tanveer, may be eight nine years back we all had taken off for a world tour while the vacation holidays. We all were exited about the world tour as we just heard of it in the stories, novels and movies, but this time we all were getting the opportunity to see the out side world and how the way people thought, treated and lived which helped us broaden the spectrum of our thinking and living. She remembers that Tanveer who was very fond of coke-cola and Fanta (cold drinks) used to have Ruchi’s share too, which he used to enjoy. But the very next moment she remembers a painful but an unforgettable thing that her eyes and heart cannot forget. Says Ruchi, “I still remember his blood shot eyes which were due to excess of vomiting; it was something terrible which I didn’t want my brother to face, but he was facing it. Until the time I saw his eyes deeply with blood red spots in them, I realized that nothing was okay and that my brother was enduring something very painful. We will never be able to know what Tanveer exactly faced but do know the scars it has given not only to Tanveer but also to us.” That period of time was of course the toughest time that would ever come in the rest of our lives, but this is destiny, we all have our own and Tanveer had his. When Tanveer turned twelve, Ruchi, Ranbeer, uncle and aunty (paternal) had shifted in the house neighboring to our grandparent’s. There was so much to shift. His reverent behaviour wasn’t ordinary; she feels that there is no one as sincere as Tanveer even till date. Tanveer together with Ranbeer helped them to shift there things to there new house. Tanveer was happy that at least someone of his age was now close to him. He helped them with sheer happiness and took it as another gift by god. “I can not forget that glow on his face that every one was dying to see. It was one of the happiest moments of my life to see my brother smile in such joy,” says Ruchi.

After I had been transferred form Mohali’s branch of our school to Chandigarh’s branch, it was Ruchi who use to be taking care of the younger ones. As she had become the head girl of her group, it meant a lot of responsibilities. So, it was Ruchi who was benefiting the position but it was Ranbeer, Rahul and Tanveer. If ever someone would trouble them, they would complain it to her. So, it is but obvious that the child would get a bit of scolding.

Usually it was Tanveer who benefited the situations. ”There was this boy who used to steal Tanveer’s lunch box leaving nothing for Tanveer to munch on, one day getting fed up of the boy’s bad behaviour, he came up to me with a complaint against that boy. I felt anger for that boy, but at the same time it felt good that I was being trusted by my brother who had full faith in me that I wouldn’t let down. He came up to me and said, “Ruchi didi”, with cute and innocent eyes he carried on his complaint. For few seconds I wasn’t listening to his complaint but I was watching the way my beloved brother approached me. But something still bothers me, few months before he left the school for his further treatment, he stopped coming to the school’s play ground for lunch time. He used to sit quietly with his head rested on the study table. The class room would be full of silence and even my little brother. I don’t know what troubled him, but I know it was something that was pinching his heart. May be I’ll know it some day or may be it will remain hidden for ever more as it was then. I pray that my brother’s soul may rest in peace.”

These were few words that Ruchi wanted to share with us. It is known that her sorrow of loosing her brother can not be measured but at least the memories are making her live too. Her eyes were wet, had a heavy heart and the voice trembled while she uncovered some of the overwhelming moment that she experienced with Tanveer that she treasures inside her which bring pain, tears and smile along with it. Tanveer was precious as a brother to a sister just as he was a marvelous support to his brothers. His unbreakable tough pillars of trust were his elder brothers, being the youngest of all he was usually pampered by his brothers. I miss the way the three used to walk together gallantly that no one even dared to point. The three were so supportive and united. One could be broken easily but three of them together were sternly a grave challenge to someone who would try to stand in front of them. There gang is so much missed by all, even his two elder brothers. Ranbeer, brother one year elder to Tanveer has his photo in his cupboard, though the photos are all around the house, he says he wanted to see his brother’s photo every time he opened the cupboard. I have secretly seen him sometimes talking to Tanveer’s photo weeping, telling him how much he misses him. He remembers the way they used to sit together in front of the computer and ply the PC games.

”Yet be sad, good brothers, for, by my faith, it very well becomes you. Sorrow so royally in you appears that I will deeply put the fashion on and wear it in my heart.”

The life that the brothers used to live together was suddenly so dismembered. Rahul, who was two years elder to Tanveer, was broken. As I had interviewed every one regarding Tanveer, I interviewed Rahul also who is usually the most quite out of all of us. I was surprised to know what he told me about Tanveer. Tanveer’s sketch was over all a different one in the eyes of his elder brother Rahul. At the first moment when I asked him about Tanveer, he had absolutely no words that could ever describe Tanveer in the most accurate way. But as I talked about his existence to Rahul, he couldn’t stop himself, and his feelings that since a long time wanted to talk about Tanveer seemed as if they were feeling relaxed after sharing each and every thing about his forever loved brother. There is still much to write but, some feeling just have no words in any vocabulary of the world to get expressed by. Some feeling of Rahul for which I could find some suitable words, I could at least bring them forth to you. As of all Tanveer’s brothers and sisters, Tanveer never fought with Ruchi and Rahul. With me and Ranbeer, fights were some of the bitter experiences that today if we remember would make us laugh and cry at the same time. As Rahul recollected his old memories, he came out with some common and some extraordinary experiences. Tanveer often shared his toys with all his brother and sisters, but sharing with Rahul was no compromise for Tanveer. It was comfortable for him to share with his elder brother Rahul. When Tanveer was shifted to our grandparents’ house, he was quite lonely and moreover the medicines had there own effect over Tanveer’s psychology. At this point of time Rahul had a very important role in Tanveer’s life.

He not only advised him as his brother but also shared his feeling and thoughts as a friend who could provide the best support being his peer. It is not that his other brothers and sisters were not a good support, the fact is that what Tanveer wanted at that point of time, he found it in Rahul.

While these six months with grandparents, Rahul and Tanveer had loads of fun. “In the evening we used go for cycling. Tanveer used to sit on the support that joins the seat and the handle and I was the one riding it. He used to love it that way. It gave me the feeling of an elder brother who was making his younger brother enjoy the time of his life even in such a pain. I enjoyed the smiles on his face,” says Rahul. It was not only the cycling that was mischievous but also the naughty play of words that our grandpa had to face due to which he could not deny them the car keys. But driving under the restriction of grandpa was no fun at all. Both, who surprisingly had good road sense used to drive where it was safe to learn and be away from the cops. In such situations, the driving used to be usually permitted by our grandma, when the drive to drive the car was over then, it was grandpa’s turn to be aware of there drives. Who could ever deny a fact that the cute looks of the children do not cause their hearts to melt away? One thing that none knew about Tanveer was the sudden change in Tanveer’s attitude. He suddenly became more irritable, short-tempered and aggressive. What could change a sweet boy like that? Te first thong was his medication and the second was his age. He was going to be a teenager. What else could change him? There was no other reason which was in light. One day Tanveer asked Rahul something, it was surprising for me to hear that, but it was a part of his age. “Rahul veer,” he asked one day, “Was I too innocent when I was a little boy?” To which Rahul did not reply, but Tanveer knew his own answer, he said, “Veer, I know I was too innocent and easy going that people just took me for granted. I am not like that anymore and neither have I wanted to be like that as I don’t want any one to take advantage of my well and easy going behaviour. ” It was a surprise to hear that from Tanveer, but he was right in a way. Tanveer had become such who would not want anybody to get hurt and hurt his sentiments too. This change in him was sudden and dramatic. But inevitably it was good for him. At least the teases and the mocking which his peers use to trouble him with were gone. Tanveer by the time he stayed there had become a boy who was known for his anger and right decisions. The tome of the feelings that was increasing its pages by every passing day and every moment of the day; it wasn’t easy for Tanveer to handle that much of pain and the hurting changed that were made by his life that had turned beastly to Tanveer. It was but natural that the feelings inside him wouldn’t remain so flexible. As told to me by Rahul, on December 8^th 2003, he was informed that Tanveer was in a serious condition, “For the first I thought that he would be alright in no time. As we reached near the house, Grandpa’s car was there right in front of us. I thought Tanveer would come out walking. But when I saw mamaji (maternal uncle) carrying Tanveer; for the first I thought that Tanveer was in an unconscious state, but as I reached inside the house and saw Tanveer lying without any movement and the rest of the family member were immersed in the painful tears which were reflected that Tanveer was no more. It felt like a massacre had taken place inside my heart, as if there was no happy feeling left alive. There was nothing that I could hear. My world went blank. My mother was trying to make me cry fearing that I would face some problem if I wouldn’t. She was right I had to cry, but tears just did not roll out of y eyes. When I saw Tanveer’s face something pinched me inside, I went to the washroom, locked myself in and there I blew up crying, I couldn’t handle the loss of my brother. That was it. My life felt numb and I just can not handle it till date…” Rahul expressed as much as he could rest of his feeling were better left inside his heart as they would turn very painful and I did not want his day to be saddened.

Tanveer suffered as if pain had many substitutes but it never appeared in the optional form. As Tanveer saw it, we might not be able to apprehend the way it exactly was, nevertheless, we learnt a lot from his pain that we wanted to share and leave no pain for him. It was the possessiveness for our little brother that we had which forced us to be that way; a way in which none of us wanted to see the demon famous by the name of ‘Pain’. We all felt love for Tanveer. We were his support and we also played different roles in his life. But Tanveer played many roles in one form which was a sweet little brother who grew big when he died. We will never know what pain he exactly had deep inside his heart that he incubated in himself, but one thing we sure know, that can not be convicted from anyone’s heart, that Tanveer thought us an evergreen lesson in life and eternity, that was his love forever more. Even though sometimes in his questions and the answers, there was an essence of evasiveness but, he knew exactly what he was, what he was going through and what others were going through because of his NHL. It was the feeling of being sorry for others as he thought that every one faced pain due to his illness that was forcing him to be aloof from the rest of the world. But no matter how much we tried this feeling did not escape his heart, as it had no way and those feelings of his would have never found their way. The only thing that could change his tough life a bit was love that we all tried to give him and wish that he can still hear the voice of our love where ever he is now.

The Great Son

“A Son more of a Sun in Life…”

"She is my mama", said Tanveer...

No doubt he was more of a sun in life. Not like any other son. He would often say that he would never leave his parents like the other sons do; in fact he would always be with mommy and daddy. It was the time when Tanu was suffering from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma which was highly aggressive that made him weak with every passing moment. Somewhere around the beginning of December, 2003, my mother asked each one of us to make an outline of our hands on a piece of paper and write a Christmas and a happy New Year greeting for my maternal grand parents which she would translate later. As my brother was suffering from paralysis on the right side, he could not write; my mother drew his hand which had become really weak and asked my little brother what to write. He could hardly speak due to the paralysis but somehow managed. He asked her to write the New Year greetings and that he was missing them a lot. With his deepest feelings he asked our mother to write for an apology for not visiting them for a long period of time, to which he added that time had forced us to do so and a promise of coming and visit them.

“A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all.”

His voice sounded sad and depressed, with a heavy heart it seemed that he wanted to say something but only tears ruled his eyes which seemed full of pain and anguish. He broke off crying. He couldn’t close his right eye neither could he make his right part of face work, but I remember the pain and misery his cry was depicting. The sound of his cry is still so deep embedded in her heart that she cried when she told me the fact that he somewhere knew that he wont live long enough to see his grandparents. His demise was close, same year, December 8 he left this world and set himself on a heavenly path, just few days after his letter. My mother realized that the letter had to be sent as it was meant for them. With a sad and heart full of grievances she sent the letter with a message that there beloved grandson is no more, she knew it would injure there hearts badly, but she had no choice. We soon realized that this December would never end, being a December for life time. My mother used to take charge of his protocol prescribed by the doctor. Sometimes he never used to take medicine: results were lots of scolding from ‘Mommy’. She used to cry when ever she scolded him, pleaded him to take medicines. He used to take medicines, either by force or by himself; he knew of his up coming tour which had only a one way ticket, a ticket he knew which was for none but him. When our mother recalls those moments of Tanveer’s life, a lot a pain reflects in her eyes and her heartbeat sounds heavy, even if she tries to show that she isn’t crying her eyes tell us all truth.

The belief of emotions

It was when we were there back from the place where Tanveer’s funeral pier was light; it was a ritual that according to the wishes of the elders of the family had to be followed. It was believed that soul which had departed form its body must show its sign of reincarnation’s form on a settled area of sand the morning after the funeral. With a heavy heart and life feeling absolutely lifeless, the understanding power of the brain was nil. The blind faiths and the mythological values played no role in alerting our minds for its false presumptions; rather we carried on with the ritual. A heap of sand was made on the place where Tanveer’s body was kept before the funeral. The next morning the settled sand appeared wet and showed the signs of flower. Since forth our mother never dared pluck a flower in our little collection of flowers, instead she grew more of them. This might not make sense, but it was not about the funeral or the flowers. It is about the love she still has for Tanveer. The feeling and wish to see her child again and feel him. As it is that the senses and the language a heart speaks is totally opposite to that of the practicalities we are surrounded with in each of our lives.

He used to try to get up from the bed to hug us. In the days which were close, he often used to start crying but remaining mum about the things he always wanted to say. Sometimes he use to cry that people make fun of him that he had no hair on his scalp, and often use to ask her, “It’s not my fault right that I have become like that due to this painful chemotherapy, what have I done wrong to any body that today I have to face this?” With abundance of sorrow and depression in his heart his question was the same to my mother even till the last day of his life. None of us had any answer to the little boy’s grieving heart and innocent questions. I can only say that he covered for all our sins that we couldn’t pay for, because we often lose those who remain the closest to our hearts. The pain seems to be like a dark cloud that does not even let the sunshine reach out to us. They say that one of the purest relations is of a mother and her child. A mother keeps the child in her womb for nine months, every pain of giving birth to making it a good human to a successful gentleman or lady. A mother’s heart is what endures through all her pains but her heart that can not see her own child’s sorrow, pain or even a little hurt, our mother walked on those thorns that covered the path of being a mother and through all those pains that were given to her by the act of time, a time that no mother on the face of this earth would want to see.

"I want to be like my Dad..."

Mother and child relation is obviously eternal and emotional so is the father and child relation. A father works day and night to feed his family and to watch them being comfortable and cozy in a place that he has endeavored to make into a home where his beloved children can feel protected to a peaceful smile on their faces as they sleep. As I observed, there seems to be nothing more important in a father’s life than his children’s happiness and there movement on a right path. Bringing up a child is not only due to mother’s love but also the father’s support and teachings. Children stand no where without there parents. But the love children give to there parents is the key ingredient that makes parents live to the hilt. If ever that bond of love is broken, there smiles vanish with no time. What would happen to a father who would loose his child’s love and presence? A father who knows that even though his son or daughter is far away, he knows that his child loves him and that the child is living a good and happy life, but what about the father who would never see his child again, and that he would never hear his or her sweet voice that called out to him…‘Dada’? Even though the little cute troubles the child had caused him, he misses those moments of warm hugs and kisses and sweet little talk sessions that he used to have with his child.

Our father went through the same phase in life. He still remembers the day of his son’s death with a heavy heart. While I was interviewing our father regarding Tanveer’s treatment for my profile, I asked him each and every detail of Tanveer’s painful life. It was hard for me to continue and for him to tell about those painful moments, his heart grew heavier with every question I asked. None of his answers were without a sigh of pain and shattered heart. It was tough for a father to recall those memories which had bruised his heart for a lifetime which brings out its freshness even now.

What can I say, I am not in their position but I very well know there hearts. My parents suffer even now so do the other relatives. Their loss is immeasurable which none can calculate. He always wanted to spend a lot of time with father, but life gave him this chance on the very verge of his illness, but he was happy spending time with our father. What else would a growing son want; father’s advices, the son and the father talk? There are so many innumerable things that a son would want from a father. Our father who was fond of buying some of the most interesting toys a little boy could have; Tanveer’s first Christmas gift was a talking watch, then came the ‘Lego,’ the little blocks with which Tanveer would make different types of cars, and all the other aviating stuff. Then our father would buy us a set in which we could make a car, monster truck and much more. He love that set even when he was 12 years old. Tanveer loved to play with his ‘Dada’ a game called ‘Tag’. This game of Tanveer’s had a specific pattern, unlike the other tag games this game had its circular path which never changed. Tanveer always preferred to catch our father. Guess what, at the end of the game it was our father running after him in the same circular path. It lies so evergreen in his heart. These small and cute moment always sustain there color no matter how many decades have overtaken such warm experiences. The time when Tanveer was about 4 to 5 years old, the mot prominent thing he used to ask our father was the name of the cars. The first name of a car he learnt was an Indian branded car which was by the name of Ambassador. What do you think a little boy like Tanveer would give it a name? ‘Amte car’, There are so many different words that our father recalls. Some of them were, ‘Heli-cottet’ which was a helicopter, then came a new word with a drastic difference, almost having no resemblance, ‘Koki’, which is common by the name lizard, now…the most popular word in our family history, ‘Epiji.’ Now what do you think this could be? This is an airplane. No logic behind the name keeping a child does for various things, most probably it could be the way it sounds or appears to be, but the enjoyment of a parent is unmatchable. The gift of happiness that exists in the providence of the child’s innocence is the creator of a parent. Even though he does not let his feelings of emptiness without his son get expressed, it is well known that he misses himself being the profiteer of that happiness from the child’s simple but most wanted affection. Even if today some one asks him about Tanveer, his voice exhibits its silent tear that only few see.

He said, " I Love my parents... I love my family..."

A Loving Grandson

“If I knew grandchildren were so much fun, I would have them first”

What could be more close to a grandparent’s heart? An appropriate answer would be a grandchild. A hurt that still remains fresh and bleeds every moment the little grandson is remembered, deep inside the heart of the elderly there lies an ocean of memories, memories they wouldn’t want to talk about but still love them the most. The emotions and the thoughts of the aged that play a war deep in side there soul, torture them at each and every moment the beloved is remembered. Whom else would I be talking about? The saddened eyes of my grandparents are brightened when they see us, their grandchildren, but soon dull down when they notice that Tanveer is no more standing tall with us. My grandma (paternal) weeps her heart out when ever I even mention his name and my grandpa (paternal) misses the way he use to sit with him share all what was in his heart. It isn’t that his other grandchildren do not share things with him, the feeling of missing some one so dear soon prevails his thoughts while sharing.

Remembrance of Pain

My grandma remembers Tanveer’s pain that used to awaken him in the late night hours. She often says that her little grandson suffered a lot of pain that a sinner should have suffered; she never understood the reason why God snatched him away from her. The agony in her eyes that reflects the darkest part of the deep sea of pain in side her heart, tells a tale that how much a grandma has suffered who by now should have been watching her beloved Tanveer grow into a tall walking young gentleman.

While Tanveer was with grandma, we were residing in a different place. We couldn’t often go to visit him, but could call him, which resulted into my little brother feeling alone and deserted. At that very point of time he was going through chemotherapy due to which his platelets had fallen down in number dramatically with the WBCs (White Blood Corpuscles) also decreasing as fast as the platelets which resulted in low immunity. We were afraid that he might catch some illness much faster than a normal person, so we decided that he must stay with grandparents till we get the floor at our place polished after the removal or carpet and the whole house to be disinfected. But our Tanveer didn’t know of the very facts that there had been many things to be done before getting him back. Moreover, my father had to work day and night, harder and harder to earn more to save his son and our loved one. Tanveer felt lonely and lonelier as the passing day and the consequential damage was straight to his heart. He used to complain to my grandma, “It seems that no body loves me, why doesn’t anyone come to meet me, are they afraid that they would be ill due to cancer too because I am having it?” She couldn’t answer him as she knew it wasn’t the way he was thinking and imaging what the whole thing could be. He cried till the last drop of his tear, but tears never ended for the kin of Sidhu family. The feast of sorrow was so excruciating on his heart that he possibly couldn’t understand the difference between desperation for happiness, his illness and the grievances of his parents. He only wanted someone to talk to and share his inner most feelings and heavy burdens of sad thoughts which persisted due to his illness.

Apart from his feelings there are many more aspects that were uncovered later after Tanveer passed away. He often used to tell grandma, that he would make cars when he would grow which, he would love to design and built it too. He had posters of cars in his room at our grandparents’ place that are still stuck to the wall as my grandma believes that he is still somewhere around her and that she didn’t want to let go the memories that were so closely related to her little Tanveer. We all love what grandmas’ cook, so he did too. He used to love the way grandma would cook.

French fries, fried cashew nuts, bread with home made cream flavored with black pepper, onion and tomatoes. Always, sandwiches in the breakfast, tasty and creamy sandwiches. When ever I would go there for a visit or to spend my weekends he would stuff me also with the tasty stuff she made. She would make famous paratha family over which were stuffed with potatoes with a little bit of cream (home made), and the breakfast was super rich in taste and some enjoyment. After finishing one, he used to ask grandma, “if you don’t mind could you make one more for me?” to which grandma would reply and ask at the same time, “of course I would be happy to make one for you, do you want me to make two in case you find it very tasty?”he would often answer her with abruptness, “No, I prefer that you please make one as you will be very tired if you stand and make some more just for me.” She never said anything, but enjoyed the way the little gentleman was growing. He asked her to plant a litchi tree, the fruit he loved. She fulfilled his wish but only after her little beloved grandson was no more, no more to ask her for stuffed parathas, those hugs for him and even make him sleep. She used to sleep close to his bed as he could need care at any time due to his treatment which was also carried out along. Once as she recalls, she had Tanveer’s dream after Tanveer passed, he came with other young boy hugged her tightly and went away, he said something but she couldn’t hear what. She saddens on the thought that why he isn’t visiting the world of her dreams quite often. She says that her child is still there in her heart deep inside, remembers and misses him each moment of the day rather each moment of her life, then why is it so that he does not come to visit her? Her heart is still bristled with the questions that are all unanswered and she hopes that some day she’ll find the answer to these questions of hers. She wishes till now that her Tanveer be back breaking all the laws of the nature. She knew it was not meant to happen. She is a mother and loosing her grandchild is the loss that is immeasurable. The consolation does not help her broken heart. After two months past Tanveer’s death I visited our grandma. As I remember she was in the kitchen when we reached there. I called out to her. I do not know what went into me. She came out running gasping for breath, her eyes wide open. But soon that excitement vanished and she realized that it wasn’t Tanveer, it was me. I sounded like her little Tanveer. Her eyes had painful misery to tell. I hugged her but couldn’t do a thing to pacify her tears and her feelings.

The love of Grandparents

Our little beloved Tanveer was loved by all. Especially by the grandmas’ and the grandpas’ of the family, he used to get pampered, and to an extent that pampering would spoil him a bit. Though he spent not much time with maternal grandparents but the immanence of love in between them was magnified into being immeasurable. Says who that love is not evolutionary? Since the time Tanveer expired, there attachment and love for there grandson has become unbreakable and eternal. They never knew each other’s language, but the language they spoke was of love, not just love, the love that exists between a grandson and a grandmother. They spoke with hugs, sweet smiles and actions. He used to help grandma in her kitchen work. One day I saw Tanveer cutting onions. It was a dead surprise for me as Tanveer had never stepped in the kitchen before, but the love for his grandma had changed him. At that point of time we were not aware of his illness. It seemed as if heaven had come down on the earth in search of us who were oblivious of the fact that it was just a mirage. She seemed so happy when ever Tanveer would come to help her in the kitchen. He always managed to make a special entry in the kitchen every time he entered. With a big hug specially warmed for his beloved grandma. Our grandma is a practitioner in the field of gynaecology. Tanveer always had his nose high up in the air that his grandma was a doctor. She often use to take him to her work, which both used to enjoy, not that Tanveer was more interested in the medical field, the compliments were the main reason behind it. The ladies and the gentlemen working with her always complimented that both grandson and grandmother looked a like and that Tanveer looked very cute when he tried to speak Russian with his grandmother. I remember the way they used to converse with each other. Just few words in his vocabulary which were,’ eto (this); teibya (you); ya (I); tei (you); priviet (hello); zdrast weitsya (hello for a elderly),’ and the most important, “Ya lublu teibya (I love you).”But his vocabulary of love was overflowing… She often used to tell our mother that how much she enjoyed hearing the compliments. Her contagious excitement would hit our mother too and both used to sit and talk about how people would compliment them. It did wonders to my ears too when my mother translated it to me.

He loved what his ‘baabushka’ (grandma) cooked for him. He loved all the Russian dishes she made like pilmainee, borsh etc. He loved the way she made cakes for him and everyone else of course use to join in later after she used to offer Tanveer one piece. We all love what grandmas cook as the food they cook is with abundance of their love and affection. But the reminiscing play of her thoughts does not let her breath evenly in her life. None of us want to live in past. We often say, “Forget the past, shut the future and live in the present.” But if some one made an endeavour to ask the person who has lived a painful past and the one who has lost the beloved, the reality of life, its naked truths and if he or she could ever forget the past. You would be answered in no time. The answer of an old lady who has just heard of the news that her beloved child breaths no more would be nothing more than a heart ripped into pieces and eyes full of tears and questions.

Our great grandma misses our little Tanveer, she is an elderly lady and she cries over the fact that Tanveer is no more, and that he is never gong to visit her again and call out to her with his sweet voice. She loved his personality, his looks and his behaviour; it is but obvious that grandma will feel this way for her child after all she is everyone’s mother in the family. Her questions; “Why is it that sometimes things happen in a reverse order, I know I have to go one day, am prepared and that my little grandchildren and great grandchildren will be on my funeral, but here I have to hear about my child’s demise, why is it so?” How do you think you would be able to answer her question without hurting our elderly great grand ma? You can not, in fact none of us can because the loss that is such that it can not be regained or even restored. Both the grand mothers maternal and paternal including our great grand mother live in a state that some day they will find there answers and find their Tanveer, though they know that they can not but still this ray of hope that some day they will meet their Tanveer provides them an energy to live forth.

Grandfather's Third Hand

Tanveer shared more mechanical and rational thought with grandpa (paternal) rather than sharing some unexplained emotional thought. Grandpa and Tanveer always had the collision of thoughts; Tanveer always thought the other way round of what grandpa thought and never even dared to budge from his way of thinking, but when both grandson and grandpa worked on something together, it did wonders to our visual and emotional feelings. Sometimes they both used to sit together, take a plate and would put all sorts of nuts and bolts stored in a bottle. Both of them would select what they wanted and get stuck to the work. Grandpa recalls the time when Tanveer solved the problem of CPU, a very important unit which is essential to operate the computers himself. He calls Tanveer the most intelligent boy he had ever seen and one of the most sensitive young gentlemen of the age of Tanveer. One aspect I never knew about Tanveer was that he was a big devotee to god. It gave me sweet shock, that a boy so young and immature who once didn’t have time for himself being busy in playing even while at places like gurudwara, temple or church could transform into a boy who was mature and who was instead of being religious had become spiritual. Heeven had a bandana which was from a famous Indian temple and a heritage located in northern side of Jammu which is named as Vaishnu Devi; a person who prayed for the well being of our little Tanveer had brought this as a token of love and good wishes. Tanveer tied it to his cupboard which still hangs there. The abundance of pain led him to this pure path which one must chose in his orher life time. Often said by the elder,that, “A diamond cannot be polished with out friction, nor a man perfected without trails.”

One big difference was the food habits. Grandpa preferred that the family members must sit together on the dining table for breakfast, lunch or dinner; what he meant was that it increases love and makes the family member equal whereas Tanveer loved watching cartoon while eating. When ever grandpa would ask him to sit with them and have food and tell him that love increases if we would sit together; this statement would irritate the young hearted to which he would often reply, “How would you love grandma that you both fight?” As he used to see both of them quarrel sometimes, but the little boy didn’t realize the importance of family members sitting together for food and that every couple on this existing materialized earth did quarrel at least once a half month if not more. Children will always be children; they may not understand the true facts of life and other various aspects of a relation. Tanveer was as innocent as the other children may be and our grandpa loved his innocence which was beautified by the knowledge he was endowed with.

He spent most of the time in mechanics with both the grandfathers; maternal and paternal. Being an ambitious little boy who wanted to be an engineer loved his favourite hide out which was obviously my grandpas’ garage. The same story was with our maternal grandpa as with our maternal grandma. Both talked the language of love and signs like hug and smiles. The situation to me is so mystified yet loved; I am unanswered of the question that how three of them managed with the language of love alone.

Previously I mentioned that the last letter which was written by Tanveer as a New Year greeting, which was sent to our grandparents (maternal), had reached them after Tanveer had expired. As their hope was crashed due to Tanveer’s demise, they prefer not to pick the topic of their little grandson, but the letter that reached them, was filled with the words which reflected his emotions. It is of course very sad when a child loose one of its parents but it is even more agonising when a father has to attend the funeral of his son or if a grandfather has to bury or light the funeral pier of his ascendant or the beloved child who is akin to his family.

The Little School Boy

“Trust the past to god’s mercy, the present to God’s love, and future to God’s providence.”

Tanveer lived every moment as if the time would never come again. He made people he loved live. He as a person was kind, benevolent, loving, and was never harsh or even had the feeling of enmity towards anyone. He was a fun loving buoyant boy. His teachers would often regard him as the sweetest boy of the school. They wouldn’t ever believe me if I marked him as a naughty boy. He was good in studies and sports too. His mind was all surrounded with mechanical ideas and fantasies which provided him the base of his beloved ambition of being an automotive engineer cum designer.

The Magician

He used to draw car models, first try and copy them and then later on modify them. When he got bored of which he often called his ‘pre-existing designs’, he would make his own designs and then show it to all of us who would only end up appreciating him. Tanveer often used to be the one trying to fix any problem in the car. It was but natural, as this was his brainchild. He used to go with our grandpa to the repair centre whenever the car needed service. He was passionate about becoming an automotive engineer cum designer as mentioned in the above paragraph. The Mercedes Benz Class-SLK, Skoda Octavia, Lamborghini, Porsche, were his top listed cars, but Hummer 2 was his dream jeep, if it was the two wheeler machine then it was the Harley Davidson, The Enfield, Suzuki’s Hayabusa and the Ducati two wheeler devils. Of course, these are every young boy’s dream mechanical wonder.

If taking a look at the joyful and the merry making aspect of Tanveer; he loved music, and dancing especially Bhangra-the Punjabi folk dance; he loved the way ‘Gabru’ dressed and the way their spirit was all into dancing with the beats of their motherland’s and religion’s folk dance. He loved dancing, singing but surprisingly he sang only for me and for his brothers. Guitars were his cup of tea, which were obviously top rated. The electric guitar’s soft sound and the hard metal distortion were loved by him as if the sound was alive and would enliven him too. Just after the guitars were the drums which made him rise from his seated posture and dance to the tune. What he wanted was our family’s own rock band, I still have his guitar and the guitar notebooks in my room by which now I practice, fulfilling his dream of being a good guitarist. Now we are his voice, and someone or the other is trying to fulfill his dream.

Apart from his musician side, there was his school in which he always proved to be an extra-ordinary child. As I mentioned before that he was good in studies, no doubts for that, but a good amount of strength which proves itself till now to be an inseparable joint that will never allow any of us to move apart. He had a unique taste of being united in a different way, though he was young and immature but he could easily be a role model to all of us as a sincere person and the one who believed in unity. Of course we all believe in unity, but he gave a feeling that would last forever for being united. The feelings cannot be read by face but can be understood only by a feeling itself. His presence made us feel so and his words spoken were so clear, pure and innocent that one would love the word unity more than any thing else. He usually liked spending time with his brothers and sisters even in the school premises apart from his friend circle. He often was known as the youngest brother who was backed by his elder bother and sisters and none dared to point a finger at him. We were among the most popular; one could say gang or a group of children. I cherish those days hoping that some day we all will get to see those days again realizing the very fact that once gone never returns.

His food habits were all like the other normal children. He loved junk food like sandwiches, French fries, cold drinks; Italian food, Chinese, Punjabi food, Ukrainian dishes, European food and cuisines, were on his ever green menu. He loved cold drinks and especially with French fries and the pork ribs that were roasted, it would always turn out to be tastier treat when our grandpa (maternal) would cook it for all of us. He sometimes used to cook for me specially the tasty sandwich he used to prepare for himself. He cooked noodles for me, till date I am yet to come across a person who could cook better noodles than my little brother Tanveer. Once, he had his friends coming up at our place for a little party regarding the starting of their summer holidays. Tanveer prepared more than half of the dishes that day. I was amazed to see a little boy like Tanveer who turned out to be such a good cook and a helpful little angel on whom anyone would want to shower blessings or love. Although he loved all the cooking and the cooked food, he was a fruit lover too. His favorite was Grapes and the litchi; he couldn’t pronounce the word litchi so the favorite fruit was pronounced as “Atchili”. But he often used to mix two of the fruits which were Guava which is “Ambrood” and Grapes which are “Angoor” so the result would be “Anglood”. It was as innocent as it sounds. Even though he corrected himself as he grew but he loved this word as he saw the amount of joy and humor on the faces of our grandparents. These were some of the deliberations he would do to see those little sweet smiles on his loved one’s faces. I remember a small little incident that we experienced with our little Tanveer. He was about six years old. We were a guest to somebody's house, a plate of grapes were served. In a moment or two, we saw our little Tanveer run down with the plate full of grapes. What he thought was, he wanted the full plate of grapes for himself and that none would want to give him his favorite fruit. That was indeed very innocent…!!!

Apart from the food stuff, Tanveer loved martial Arts. He was one of the best young martial artists in school. He loved making his palms hard, so he practiced and endeavored to harden them by hitting the wall, with his palms. And believe it, I am yet to see a person having as solid palms as Tanveer. They were literally like hard rock. Well, that was Tanveer as a person. There are countless things that are so distinct and prominent about Tanveer, but they just do not seem to find any word. They say people are unique in one or the other way, but my little brother was even unique in the most unique people. While reading these words, you must be thinking that one’s loved one is always the most unique of all…you could think this as you haven’t met him and known him. Once if you meet him in these words, you’ll know what he was even beyond these words. The cut-throat reality is that he was one pure soul that never cried for attention and worldly existence as he somewhere knew of his short life.

The Teacher's Favourite

Back there at school, his favorite teacher was Ms. Pooja Paul, who loved Tanveer more than any other child in the class. Even if Tanveer was not able to complete his homework, she would just not complaint against him but make him complete the homework right in front of her. Tanveer completed his homework due to her love and affection for Tanveer. What his teachers could never do was scold him for anything. Before Tanveer was sick he was back with a big smile on his bright face.

He would show a piece of chocolate that his teacher shared with him. It is always an honor for a little child who gets to share things with his teacher and Tanveer was honored almost everyday. Ms. Pooja Paul loved that shine on Tanveer’s face. In fact, even the principal of the school Mrs. Susan Nath would love this little boy like anything. Whenever we had our martial arts summer classes in holidays being held in the school campus, he would make a visit to her after the class would get over as she had her residence in the school building itself. Thinking that her husband and daughter were away most of the time for work it would feel her great if he visited her. This selfless behaviour of his was the thing that pulled everyone towards him. It was the same magic which he had over the teachers as he had on us. Whenever we would go for his parent’s teacher’s meet, she did not have a single word to depict Tanveer as a naughty boy. Even if Tanveer made any mistake, the only thing they had to say was that Tanveer would do a better job from then onwards. His beautiful and different behaviour that was adorned by its simplicity was the golden key that made everyone his fan.

No doubt Tanveer was a bit shy boy, but he had the eyes that would speak stronger than he himself. Tanveer was a great lesson of tolerance and diversity in himself. He taught everyone to smile even in the most painful seasons of life and support even in the hardest, coldest and the stormiest weathers of life. A boy who did not fall prey to the devils of this world, but to everyone he appeared as a boy who was a sign of an angel who made others live by his presence.

The revealing Truth of Eternity

“Eternity has no gray hairs. Flowers fade, the heart withers, man grows old and dies, the world lies down in the sepulcher of ages; but Time writes no wrinkles on the brow of Eternity.”

The nature is not only what we visualize around us, but a great uncovered reality we fail to see. The aura of eternity is so pure and will always remain as the untouched beauty of nature. It has always been the transcendental factor of our relation with our little brother. They say the strongest bond between the soul and its people is love; a bond that keeps the soul close to us. It is the glue that sticks us together, cozy and warm for eternity, no one would want to be free of such a bond. Tanveer was priceless and will always be. His dreams, his feel, his essence still exist in us. It would be appropriate to say that Tanveer never was gone, he is always there. But of course we feel our lives are as incomplete without him. He was the light of our eyes, a dream that we would want to live all our lives, a reality everyone in our family loves. He knows it. How? When you love someone with the deepest purity and you know that your love is mystical, you will know that your loved one is never away. If your love is strong, you will get the sign. The presence of Tanveer is so strong as if he is there when we feel; play, when we are happy or sad. His eternal presence is consoling like no other, as if Tanveer is there dancing with us or wiping the tears off our cheeks. Unbelievable…right? But it’s nature! Tanveer made others realize the presence of his soul materialistically or eternally. He lived by his soul and now he is the soul in us, the sole greenery to our being.

It is quite amazing how God works his ways through his beloved souls to the common people in this world. Tanveer was his beloved soul and we; the common people. The language of his soul is not educable or even adjustable in our world. But if we know our deepest thoughts for him in our soul; we know what and when he speaks. He was never in love with the materials of this solid existence, nor did he ever fall for the unholy and colorless attachments in it. We all were attached to his materialized entity, but now it is only he who communicates. We knew him by his name; now we know him by his soul. Though nothing can indemnify his loss, but would we really call it loss or our being connected to him solely and warmly? The insomnia after his death of course took a long time to heal, but the heal I feel is magically invincible, indefinable and inextinguishable. He is enthroned not in our hearts but our immaterial entity; our soul. Our experiences with him are inexpressible. But, I would like to share our little but enthralled moments with his soul.

While Tanveer’s treatment, he used to smell typically of sweet garlic. His smell wasn’t disturbing but quite peculiar one, uneasily adjustable, in fact not adjustable. They say souls show their signs in the solid world when they want to get noticed. My father and mother along with my little brother and sister had made a trip to Ukraine to see our grandparents. I was left home as I had my examinations proceeding. Before this experience, none of us believed much in the power of souls or that the souls did exist, even though we knew Tanveer was their along with us; we never had the ability to hear his soul. It was around 13:00 to 13:30, while our mother and our grandparents had gone to the market for some grocery items, our father was at home with my little brother and sister playing and having the time of their lives. Tanveer loved to see Tannia play and smile, he was not able to see Timur play and grow a bit as he passed away when Tim (Timur) was just four months… Just then our father smelled a strong peculiar smell, he smelled it carefully. He noticed that out of a sudden even the little two seemed to enjoy the smell making them surprisingly quite. He recognized this astonishing but ethereal smell; it was none other but Tanveer, making his presence feel. So distinct and warm, that he could no more be controlled by logical or rational thoughts of his. He was lost in that smell. It was for about 10 seconds or so; he knew that his little son’s soul was communicating with him in the most extraordinary way. He knew that Tanveer felt happy feeling how these little two are in their play. He immediately phoned our mother and he shared their experience with their son. She suddenly found herself short of words and hung up. She couldn’t exhibit her exact feelings. Amazing…!!!

The other experience I had when it was his birthday. The experience was out of the world, and definitely unbelievable. As always we celebrate his birthday by baking a cake and praying for his peace. Our mother was baking his cake, the cake which he usually liked. I had just finished my prayers for him and I was feeling quite hungry by then. I asked our domestic help to lay the table for me. As I sat, I filled up a glass of water for myself. The little ones had been playing in their room. The dining room was quite deprived of any movement. The covering of the dining table shone as if it were glass. I was about to eat just then the glass moved, but surprisingly the water did not spill out, in spite of the vicinity of the glass was saturated with water. I checked for the little ones around, but it was only me and the desertion. The table had no such items that could really make my glass rock like that. Just then I realized that I had prayed for my little brother’s peace and that it was his birthday. The scientific explanations might stand up to explain this, but what I believe is it was he who told me of his presence. I believe that he thanked us for it. The moment was all in equilibrium yet so abysmal and transcendental.

The day we cremated Tanveer, it was hard to sleep but, I had a dream while I was consciously half asleep. I saw some ladies dressed in black doing a ‘yagya’ (a scared pier lit for prayers) following which I heard Tanveer’s voice calling out to me, asking me to find him which I was not able to. He then told me to find him in my name, it was quite impossible. He giggled and asked me to find him inside me. I knew what he meant, just then he appeared and told me that he would never leave me and that it was not a part of the divine nature for him to leave me. At that moment I thought that it was as outcome of the overwhelming emotions. But today, I realize the way he keeps his promise. The logics may explain it as the acceptation of the dream by my subconscious mind. But how well can somebody explain this: the day I cry due to any reason, I see my little brother in my dreams; he warns me of the upcoming danger; he shows his presence when he is forced to do so by the nature of his soul. These experiences have magnified themselves; Tanveer has brought up our souls to the level where we can consciously feel him. He enlightened us with the knowledge of love.

Our family has lost a son, but putting their materialistic feelings a side, they help us feel him. I have experienced nothing higher than my little brother’s unconditional love. He has no five senses, he has no body, he has no memory, he is not an emotion, he is not sorrow, he is not any materialistic happiness, but is purely love and happiness. He raised us towards eternal light. He is not an ordinary soul, nor was he an ordinary boy. His magnificent smile reflected every bit of his divine purity. The music inside his presence is the food to our souls. We live by him, with him and for him, to keep his teaching enlivened.

Let the guiding light keep our little Tanveer in peace…